GO AWAY

Officially moving to sfw-blog.com! Layout should be up within the week (:

Site news (again)

The blog will be getting a new name, layout, and location in the coming days. Neither were really permanent to begin with, as I was trying to get my feet in the blog world. Now I feel like I have my direction down, and so changes are comin’!

The Scientific Nature of the Whammy was taken, so please eagerly await the arrival of “Sure Fine Whatever”! (Yes, I am a nerd.)

I know all (none) of you are excited!

Macroblog about Microblogging

Thank god Twitter is around for LatinPrincess21 to tweet the ever important and thrilling message, “Eating a Baloney Sandwich.” The alternative, of course, would be me pacing around my room, tearing my hair out, worried to death that she is not getting her daily recommended dosage of spare animal parts. And when she posted that she was watching TMZ? I breathed a sigh of relief. I have to know that she is watching quality, groundbreaking television; otherwise, my world might implode.

Here’s the thing: I don’t hate microblogging. I tweet. I have Tweetie and Twitterfon on my iPhone and Tweetdeck on my MacBook. So it’s not that I don’t get the concept or that I am completely cynical about it. Rather, I just don’t get how some people utilize it. I really, really don’t care if you’re drinking a half caf soy latte while talking to Mary Jane Whatsherface. On average, I don’t care if you’re going to sleep, going for a jog, or brushing your cat’s fur. I don’t understand why you think you’re so fascinating that people want to read about Captain Whiskers’ hairballs, anyway. Really. The mundane details of your every daily activity are absolutely of no concern to me whatsoever.

Still, there are many good uses for microblogging. These include (but are not limited to):

• keeping in touch with one’s fanbase or supporters, e.g. Felicia Day, David Davis, and Gavin Newsom
• generating discussions and passing fast notes to large audiences
• sharing quotes or bits of wisdom

If you’re into astrology, I guess it’d be cool to tweet people’s horoscopes. Plus, if news entities like CNN would get on the ball and actually utilize their Twitter accounts, it is the perfect medium for posting headlines. (Assuming it’s not too much to ask that I find out what exactly happened that involved Madonna’s left foot when I missed half your crawl. RT, please.)

Mainly, I like to use it as a way to keep up with artists, actors, and friends. My personal tweets range from (attempted) humorous daily observations to project status notifications (and occasional hypocrisy). In a nutshell, Twitter is so much more than an announcement board for your bio updates.

Of course, the device updates function also allows for groups of friends to essentially use Twitter as a group text messaging hub, in which case you can post about your sandwiches and slumber parties all you want. But there is a difference between utilizing the site as a tool and treating it like the world’s largest public receptacle of shit nobody cares about.

At this point, I must admit that I am not a saint in this regard. I have been known to post incredibly boring tweets, I know. I never said I didn’t have an ego the size of Mars and find myself absolutely fascinating. But at least I have remorse, damnit.

Of course, Tycho Brahe (obviously not the astronomer) says this all the best:

Who the fuck do you think you are? Who are you that you can force your Goddamned minutia on other people, your stupid bullshit, your stone-ground artisanal condiments? How dare you. You should be ashamed.

Indeed.

Rantin’: Astrology

There are many things in this world I do not comprehend. Some things are beyond my realm of understanding: complex theories about the mathematics of spatial phenomena, endless lines of computer code forming a clean operating system, the massive appeal of Dancing with the Stars. Other things (such as every Algebra teacher I’ve ever had), I just seem to get bored of and tune out, so I miss out large chunks that I don’t exactly rush to fill in.

And then… there are other things.

Astrology is just one of those things I Just Don’t Get. Am I supposed to believe there are different hormones in the air depending on the day of the year, and that they are in significant enough quantities as to affect the development of the fetal brain? That babies born on the cusp of two signs exhibit personality traits from both because there is a curious mixture of the two hormones in the air as one disappates and the other wafts in as the planetary alignment dictates??

I Just Don’t Get It.

Today someone looked at me and said, “You’re a Taurus, right? Because you don’t act like a Taurus.” And I think that broke my brain.

What gets me is, she’s not an unintelligent lady. She seems to be a pretty smart cookie, as do a couple of other people I know who believe in astrology… So why then do they believe in this crap? If I don’t “act like a Taurus”, doesn’t that tell you that there is something wrong with the model? Doesn’t clear evidence to the contrary disprove the theory?

And what really gets me is that people don’t seem to realize that astrological signs, horoscopes, all of that crap, they’re all so vague that practically anyone can relate to them to some degree. If I made up my own sign, like the Tsunami Dolphin, and said, “You are someone who takes a great deal of pride in at least one aspect of your life. When things are going well, your mood greatly reflects it, and people love to be around you!” a lot of people would find themselves nodding their heads along with my words. Who doesn’t have something they take pride in, whether it’s their job or their kids or their collection of antique thimbles autographed by Queen Elizabeth? Most people are happy when things are going well, and everyone likes to think that people love to be around them. If you don’t relate to any one of these things in at least some small way, you’re someone I probably would not want to hang around, Mr. Krabby Patty.

But I digress.

I don’t know. Maybe astrology stems from a fear of the unknown. We’re still trying to unlock the secrets of the human brain, what makes people tick, and the future is most certainly a mystery to us. Ignorance tends to be fertile ground for fear, so perhaps we invent these methods as a way of coping with the darkness. I guess it can be nice to think that the person you are head over heels for is distant because of the pull of the heavens and not because they’re Just Not That Into You. And I guess for some stumbling people, reading their horoscope in the morning can tell them how to approach their day.

Not that I think it’s wise. I’m just sayin’. Sum skurry shit can make us do some rather illogical things.

Site news

“Site Announcement” seemed a little too pretentious to title this post. It seemed to assume people read this, and that I have anyone to announce to, haha. Still, it must be said:

The blog is going through some behind the scenes stuff at the moment. I am compiling some topics and doing some pre-writing, as well as working on a permanent location and layout. I am also fighting a rough patch of allergies that seems to want to act like strep throat and gives me plenty to be dramatic about. (Expect first drafts of my will, and perhaps a repost of the eulogy I want read at my funeral.)

Nevertheless, I should have something concrete posted on Thursday. It is my puppy’s “big day” (he suspects nothing), and I will be getting an oil change to boot… So if I am not thoroughly engrossed in my re-read of Harry Potter all day while waiting at Starbucks, expect a little some’ some’. (Did I mention that to me “behind the scenes” means,  “I am pretending to be productive while in reality I’m slacking off hardcore”?)

Indeed.

It’s the final countdown!

I am strangely obsessed with countdown apps. I have Days Until installed in my iPhone currently, so please allow me to share with you the things of nerd persuasion that I am eagerly anticipating (and can recall at the moment).

1. Star Trek: Oh, God. I admit, I love me some Star Trek. Obviously, this film is a total revamping and modernization of the franchise, which has made some people nervous. But, really, I don’t think J. J. Abrams can fuck it up any more than Brannon Braga did. I am trying to stay positive, especially considering the cast includes Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, John Cho, and, of course, Leonard Nimoy. (And, hello, special appearances by Winona Ryder and Jennifer Morrison. What’s not to love?)
Days Until? 21

2. MAH BIRFDAY: Someone please ship Lisa E. to my house. kthnx
Days Until? 25

3: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: Oh jeez, oh jeez. You have no idea how thoroughly excited I am at the prospect of seeing more than just glimpses of Helena Bonham Carter as Bellatrix Lestrange. I am sure glad Helen McCroy got knocked up and had to be replaced because this is a wet dream come true. I never understood all of the fangirls fawning over Snape or Malfoy. Then I saw Helena Bonham Carter in The Order of the Pheonix, and it just sort of clicked.
Days Until? 90

4. Comedy Central Roast of Joan Rivers: Okay, okay, I admit: I love this woman. As a kid, I despised her because of all of the trash she talked about the love of my young life. However, I find these days that I cannot hate someone who is so hilarious and so brilliantly self-deprecating. The woman is classic (not to be confused with classy). She’s a total cunt, but that’s part of the reason I love her. (Bonus amusing side note: It’s airing on Gillian Anderson’s forty-first birthday.)
Days Until? 115

5. Maria Bamford @ the San Francisco Punchline: Maria Bamford is a hilarious, slightly off-beat comedienne whose material is unlike many others… and the voices! If you haven’t seen her stuff, you need to get on that shit pronto. Wish I could find some better clips, but at the moment I cannot (I am lazy, and my hand is falling asleep.) I am completely stoked at the prospect of seeing her in person.
Days Until? 117

6. A Dance with Dragons: The wait is killing me, I know it is! But, to be honest, I don’t want to rush George R. R. Martin too much. His books are absolutely brilliant, and you musn’t rush genius! I am depressed at the prospect of no Jaime chapters, but Melisandre or Loras might be interesting to hear from. (I can only imagine what Theon’s chapters are going to be like!)
Days Until? DON’T ASK OR HE’LL KILL A STARK

7. Alien Colonization: Better hope the vaccine works.
Days Until? 1346

Book Review: A Little By Wicked by Kristin Chenoweth

Because I am so amazing, I will now force my opinions upon you.

A Little Bit Wicked: Life, Love, and Faith in Stages Kristin Chenoweth (with Joni Rodgers):

The official diagnosis was a fractured coccyx. I also pulled a hammy, but that was hardly noticeable, due to the profound agony radiating from the center of my poor little Georgia O’Keeffe. [...] The lasting legacy of the Cooter Smash is that I’m the first to know when it’s going to rain. That’s right. I both sing and predict the weather with my hoo hoo. Mozart, meteorology, plus all the usual stuff.

And yet I remain single.

‘Splain it to me, Lucy.

With lines like this peppering her memoir, how can you not love Kristin Chenoweth?

This woman is definitely a ball of fire and spirit, possessed with an incredibly sweet nature and over the top, hilarious personality. I know she used a ghost writer for this book, but I can’t help but fall in love with her voice nonetheless. The fact that she acknowledges her “ghost writer”, going so far as to put her name on the front cover, illustrates perfectly the polite, down-to-earth persona she puts through in the account. Kristin is an upbeat, relentless Christian gal, but to merely describe her as such (and leave you to gag) would be a total and complete injustice. Ms. Chenoweth is a force to be reckoned with and, simply put, must be experienced.

Most non-Christians have a rather sour taste in their mouths when it comes to Jesus freaks. I believe Ghandi put it best when he said, “I like your Christ; I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” And, indeed, for many that is true. More than a few people seem to distort the teachings of Jesus, using his words as they see fit. Years ago they used the Bible to justify slavery, and these days they use it to justify homophobia among other delightful forms of discrimination… All the while happily munching on shell-fish and attending Church with their heads uncovered. They blissfully condemn the undesirables and loudly preach that they are going to Heaven so much harder than you. They feel quite comfortable casting the first stone and have, in essence, created God in their own image.

But I digress.

The thing that I love about Kristin Chenoweth is that she takes the true messages of Jesus and applies them to her life and interactions with other people. (For the record, I am not religious, but it is historical fact that Jesus was a dude who lived and said some words.) She is an open, loving woman who believes in God, gay rights, and puppies who whine indignantly. I know, I know, you’re developing diabetes at just my words, but I am super cereal. She seems completely genuine and absolutely, well, adorable.

Of course, she’ll probably still leave a few (heartless!) souls with a desire to punch a cheery blonde with a quickness. And, who knows, maybe she’s making this persona up for Hollywood… But I ate every word of that damn book up like my eight-month-old pit/lab eats anything he can get his fat baby muzzle on (he is convinced we are starving him). I am hoping this is genuinely her voice, her person and her story, because she is a breath of fresh air in this incredibly self-absorbed society.

The writing itself was just hilarious, as well. I don’t know how much of it was Kristin and how much of it was Joni, but jay-sus. I laughed out loud a few times and just had a really good time with it in general. Ms. Chenoweth is outrageous, hilarious, and utterly fabulous.

It needs to be said: I absolutely adore her.

Final Diagnonsense: 4 out of 5 Georgia O’Keeffes

Quick TV Reviews

A couple o’ quick TV reviews for you:

Comedy Central Presents: Jo Koy:
First off, I was very excited to see Jo Koy’s name on the list of On Demand stand up specials, as I absolutely adore him on Chelsea Lately. My excitement turned to skepticism pretty quickly, however, as his set began pretty unremarkably. I hoped it was nerves and resolved to stick with it.

He doesn’t have the best material in the world, but I have to admit I laughed out loud several times during his set. His bits seem uneven at times, and he tends to drag things out and repeat unnecessarily (kind of like Margaret Cho, to a lesser degree.) But what he does right makes it worth watching.

What is it about Filipino comedians doing impressions of their relatives that gets me every fucking time? He’s no Edwin San Juan, but his material about his mother had me dying. It’s probably not necessarily all that funny, but you have to understand that my love for immigrant Filipinos and their accents is overwhelming. There were some other shining moments, but for the most part that was what got me pretty good (and pretty inexplicably).

Final Diagnonsense: 3 out of 5 Tal’Ents

Kristin (sitcom):
View it here

I almost couldn’t bring myself to rate this sitcom. I really couldn’t. I am so incredibly biased in favor of Kristin Chenoweth. But this show… This show… I wanted to love it, I really did, but the writing is so ungodly horrible, so cheesy and completely unoriginal, I couldn’t stand it. I sat through six long episodes, and the only thing that made it bearable was Chenoweth herself. Her physical comedy is always this great balance that would be completely over the top coming from anyone else, but she somehow never fails to make it work. I don’t get how she pulls it off, but she does. This show would have gotten one star (or none at all) if it weren’t for her.

And considering how rabidly illogical of a fan I tend to be, that is saying a lot.

Final Diagnonsense: 2 out of 5 Wasted Talents

Epic Fail

Holy shit.

This is an actual obituary from the August 16th, 2008 Vallejo Times-Herald:

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOODBYE, MOM.

Wow.

How big of a douche bag do you have to be for your kids to place this obit for you?